A word on Reconciliation (Announcement of new things coming)

I am excited to announce, that soon we will have Encouraging Words with Yours Truly! A weekly encouragement for those who need a lift.

This weeks Encouraging Word will be on forgiveness and the word "Reconciliation". We often forgive, and move on, and truly that is okay, if the heart has been healed. Though God's true purpose for forgiveness is to turn the situation around that was meant to bring death to a relationship, and emotional destruction to those involved, He wants instead to bring life, purpose and freedom. I can't wait to share how God brought reconciliation to a relationship I thought would never be whole, never have true fruit, but God had brought it fully and completely around. In fact at that same time He healed two relationships in my life. God always seems to know how to bless above and beyond what we can ever imagine. SO stay tuned!

Lots of love and Prayers,
Shevonne Daley

I must forgive THEM?

Pastor James is speaking on a subject that is a chain-breaker, really it is. This subject is one of the hardest for all people to swallow, unbelievers and believers alike. I have many areas where forgiveness played a role, but the hardest act of forgiveness for me was that of forgiving my rapists, the police who didn't protect me, and most of all myself for ever getting into that situation in the first place.

Many see me now and never realize the deep hurts that have happened. I attribute all that to the ability to forgive. Letting God's grace for me to be my guide. Forgiving even THEM helped me to release the heavy weight their presence had on my thought life. Once I was able to let go, and in a sense let God be the judge that He is, I was able to breathe better again.

Six years ago, I was separated from Bobby, and deep in my self destruction. I was overly intoxicate one night while bar hopping with a friend. This friend and I lost each other in the mix of people, and the bars were closing anyway. At last call I went to smoke a cigarette and began talking to a bouncer. Not thinking much of it told him I was alone and had lost my friend, all the other stuff I said I really don't remember. (Later the police think I may have been either more intoxicated than I thought, or drugged.) So now the bar was closed and I walk very carefully to my minivan. I knew I couldn't drive so I was going to sleep in my van. I began throwing up. The bouncer from before drove up with a friend and offered to drive me and my van home, his friend would follow and then they would go on their way. I clearly wasn't thinking I didn't know this guy from Adam, but I figured he was a bouncer and they must have some sort of background check (that much I thought about.) We make it to my apartment (the kids of course were with Bobby that weekend.) and I said thank you for the ride and hugged him. I guess this was a welcoming gesture. He asked to come in for a minute and I am so naive I said yes.
Five minutes later his friend follows and I sense I am in trouble, my whole body is telling me to flee, and I don't know what to do. I know what they are after. I just wanted to live! I just begged them to use protection. I didn't want to end up pregnant by one of them or with AIDS.

They left and I immediately showered. Every woman who has been through this that I have talked to does the same thing, they just want the whole thing to wash away! I passed out right after and woke still dizzy and a mess. I immediately called the police department when I woke up. They came listened to my story, I filed the report and they said, "Because you asked them to use protection you gave consent." This floored me. I wasn't allowed to try and protect some part of myself. I felt violated all over again. I was hurt and angry! I didn't want to go to the ER right away, but I went a day later, alone. Having a rape kit done feels like a whole other violation in itself honestly. I just wanted to tuck all this way and NEVER think about it again.

I was numb for almost 2 years afterwards to the whole situation, anytime I talked about it I was distant. Like it didn't happen. Finally it came back to the surface and I knew I needed to deal with it. How it hit me, I watched a Law and Order Special Victims Unit and the story was so parallel to mine it shook me. I cried off and on til the next day, and then Facebook recommended a friend, and the name and profile looked like one of my rapist and I came unglued. Thank God Cheryl was my mentor and counselor at the time, I called her and she said now was the time to really get into this. I went over to meet with her and we began to talk about forgiveness.

WHAT!? I have to forgive them? They violated my life, my body, plagued my mind and emotions and now I had to forgive them. It hurt more that they not only stole a piece of my dignity but stole my paycheck that was to pay for mine and my kids groceries that week so long ago. I had more value on what we ate then myself. I was so ashamed of myself. Now I had to "get over it", at least I thought that's what forgiveness meant. To forget it ever happened.

On the contrary, I will always remember, but I had to realize these men were used by the enemy to try and destroy me, they woke me up from my bad choices also. I do not believe God meant me harm. I do believe however I was awakened from a bad dream, when this incident happened it was the moment I had realized I was in a hole I needed to start getting out of.

It was now though, sitting with Cheryl I realized I let them have more control over my life then I ever wanted to allow. I had been numb to my feelings, my heartbreak, and my disappointment. I had to feel, then heal. I had to forgive them and give them over to God. If they never faced a day in jail, I had to let that go. If they were still out there, I had to say, "God you know my fear, and I trust you!"

As far as those officers, they were right. They told me that information to save me from a trial were I may be humiliated and tormented even more. In a sense I am thankful for that. I did feel let down by the system, but I had to be okay with God's justice and not the worlds justice. God knows more of what happened then these officers ever could.

That very day I let it go, I was free! FREE! How could this be? Their influence and power over my life was gone. They couldn't have my everyday. I was no longer wrapped in fear, or anger. Now I just felt shame.

Here was the hard part. Forgiving myself. I let myself and my family down. I put us all in harms way. What was I thinking? Well see that was it. I wasn't. I was so far gone at the time, I didn't think. I had to forgive my thoughtlessness. I had to forgive myself for being so broken. For becoming a victim once again (had a past of sexual abuse). This was hard. Harder than anything else.

"God if you forgive me, why can't I forgive myself?" Was the question I often asked myself. I wanted to punish myself for my sins. I was taking God's place. Did I not think He could handle me? Wow, how messed up I truly was. God had more mercy with me then I felt I ever deserved. (This is why I worship Him so wholeheartedly).

That day in Cheryl's living room, I had to forgive the hurting messed up version of me I once was and move on to the new, wiser, and whole version of me. We decided to meet up with Bobby soon and pray over my new life, break of soul ties (which is another topic), and move to the new, brighter future.

I can't say it doesn't ever bother me, I do remember, and have had painful flashbacks. BUT! I remember that those thoughts and memories are the enemy bringing up things already dealt with, and that is when I hand it back to God. He takes it and kisses me and we walk hand and hand, moving on.

If you have dealt with major hurts, pains that people have inflicted on you, or you have inflicted on yourself, know that it is never too late to forgive. Forgiving doesn't mean forgetting, it means moving on to bigger and better that God has to offer you. Trusting Him to ultimately take care of it all. He is Just, He is Good and He is Love.

Be blessed my friends
Love and Prayers,
Shevonne Daley